Great One-liners
An archaeologist is someone whose career lies in ruins.
I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it shits on your head.
Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that water can also help.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then give the bad news.
One careless match can start a forest fire, but a whole box to start a campfire.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit and Wisdom is not putting tomato in a fruit salad.
Remain silent and be thought a fool, than speak and remove all doubt.
Stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism. Stealing from many is research.
Prove that you don’t need the money if you expect a bank to lend you a million dollars.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Politicians and diapers should both be changed frequently for the same reason.
Just two people run for president of America and 50 for Miss America?
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they leave.
He likes work. He sits and looks at it for hours.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Amazing! all news that happens in the world just exactly fits the newspaper.
Join The Army, visit exotic places, eat exotic food, and kill strangers you meet.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
Banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
It matters not whether you win or lose. What really matters is whether I win or lose.
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable, like coma.
True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
If I’d shot you sooner, I’d be out of jail by now.
Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
There are no winners in life. Only survivors.
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
We are all part of the ultimate statistic, ten out of ten die.
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
I think, therefore I’m single.
I bet you could stop gambling.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the surgeon likes portraits by Picasso.
Accept it. Your parents have had sex before.
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what are the others here for?
Laugh and the world will laugh with you. Snore and you sleep alone
Being in a nudist colony will take all the fun out of Halloween.
Married men live longer than single men, but they are willing to die.
If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
Good health lets you die old and miserable.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Shoot and claim whatever you hit was the target.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
